Betty in 2014 – evolution of a transvestite
It has been 5 years since I started my blog and many things have changed. Those who don't know me may wonder what has changed.. Even close may not really know what happened in my life. The following post is a recap of what I've gone through for the last 5 years. No, it is not a pure public exhibition but rather an attempt to unburden my mind and feelings and maybe help others with similar problems.
Living in Prague
In 2008 I moved to Prague. There were several reasons why. From bigoted conditions and perceptions of minorities in Slovakia (not only transvestites and transsexuals, all minorities in general) to the need for change and self-realization. Need to to try something new.
I had rented an apartment and began to live in Prague. I worked from home (web-design and programming). Prague was new to me, I was full of expectations and I was hoping that I will use the city as I planned: education, culture, sports and meeting new people. First, I was fascinated by Prague. However, I lived a very isolated life: I was working from home and in free time I was doing sports (basketball, swimming, long walks through Prague). Naturally, I was missing something, and I think it was the lack of social contact and love. I compensated all that by regular weekend partying. In practice, this meant that during the week I worked furiously, did sports and prepared myself for a weekend (obligatory epilation, hair style selection, preparing dresses or shopping). Then came the weekend and I went to some party in Prague. Sometimes I even headed outside Prague, it was mostly a meeting of transgender, fetish or BDSM community.
At first I was very anxious. I never went anywhere alone, almost always I went out in a group. Some people in the communities mentioned above were very helpful and many times they supported me intellectually / emotionally. Now after some time, I want to thank all of you, only now I really understand your attention and kindness.
Outsiders may think that these events are full of sexual orgies but often quite contrary is true. For example, I remember conversations at "Sluneční Tvrz" (BDSM club), where we often talked till morning about of philosophy, religion or technologies. I'm not defending "alternative" parties, they are not the seminars of morality, but they are not Sodom and Gomorrah orgies neither. I might return to this topic in future.
After some time I started to visit parties and events abroad. London - Torture Garden Party, Berlin - Fetish Ball, Lipzig - Wave Gothic Treffen, etc. All this took lot of my time, especially if we consider the actual preparations. I was in stress because I had to work and in addition I was frantically preparing for the event: planning hairstyle and clothes, accommodation, transportation, etc. My income was decent, so I could afford to stay in the hotel. I constantly tried to eliminate any risks, for example, that someone sees me. For fear of the reactions of people I'd rather take a taxi .
How did my entertainment go? I arrived to the event, had a coffee and a cigarette. In most cases I was extremely trembling inside (fear, fright, insecurity) and I helped myself with drinks and cigarettes. That gave me a kick and I could start my spree. Spree or my hilarious mood manifested itself mostly in the need to dance. People who know me a little can attest it resulted in: "Let's dance, I'm booooored!". Obviously more drinks and cigarettes. Although I drank a lot, I always tried to stay decent and be a pleasant companion. My hunger for fun and social life caused that I was leaving one of the last or last. It is not difficult to guess what followed the next day. The whole day was filled with bed-sore fatigue and remorse: "Why did I smoke.. Why did I drink.." Feelings of sadness, emptiness and distaste emerged.
Anyone who really knows me knows that behind the look of a confident person, I am a very shy and sensitive person. That made it extremely difficult for me to approach anyone, not speaking of flirting or initiating a date.
Escape from my shyness was.. the Internet. Yes the Internet we all use, a curse or a gift, depending on your choice. I chose an unfortunate path. My escape from personal / social isolation and otherness was the Internet. In practice, this meant that I spent hours chatting online, viewing photos and videos. I often chatted about intimate fantasies with people whom I met online. I thought I was not pretty as a girl, and because of my character and sexual preferences no one will ever love me. I was pre-occupied with my physical appearance: big nose, bad skin condition, or anything else that went through my obsessed mind.
So I was chatting, and chatting, and chatting. I have built connections with some people and some of them even became virtual intimate relationships. I will not belittle their attention, some people were nice and friendly companions. Some even went beyond the usual chat cliches and asked about my feelings or opinions. I want to thank you too.
My real social contacts, however, were very limited. I was not very good at approaching people, not to mention expressing my sympathy to someone. Since one-night stand was not an option for me (shyness, fear, insecurity), my attempts to build a relationship always evolved very slowly, which in turn evoked great impatience and frustration in me.
Transvestite and love
Over the past 5 years I have tried few times to create a relationship, but actually only the current one is a real one. Some were rather casual friendships or romances. However, all my partners were very supportive and I think they liked me as Betty. Nevertheless, I was restless and the feeling of incompleteness was growing.
A big change happened in 2011, at a fetish party where a girl approached me and thus it began. We began to exchange emails, meet and we connected very quickly. The overwhelming feeling of inner connection was huge, I felt we were enriching each others life. She turned my life upside down, for the first time in my life I fully revealed my heart. I've never been so happy in my life. Life felt beautiful, colorful and dived into the love with all your heart and soul. Unfortunately, she was not interested in sharing intense feelings and especially was not willing to share time with me. Despite the fact that I was already 35 years old, I did not understand that when two people attract each other, their paths might be different. I did not know that exposing your naked soul and heart carries the risk that you can get hurt badly. And I started to wither .
After some time I realized that she was holding some distance and I felt that she did not want a steady relationship. Or maybe she was not ready. Anyways, what followed for me was one of the most difficult periods in my life. I flew too high and burnt my wings. Fall has been dramatic and very crude. Severe depression set in. So intense, nothing was making sense: life, love, success, friends, simply nothing. Then the fear of of loosing the loved ones appeared and it just intensified the depression. Fall 2011 was a real hell for me. The world and life was dark, there was no light nor joy. During this period my friends and family helped me a lot. I want to thank you all, maybe I would not be here if it was not for you.
Transvestite in 2012-2014
The last two years have been filled with struggle with depression and finding oneself. Although it was extremely difficult, I began to make changes in my life. I stopped working from home and took a job. I began to address the issues that I never addressed before and I started to work on myself at different levels: from the psyche through health, sports to education .
Among other things, I met a new woman who lit up my life again. Kamila is sensible, extremely gentle, with a huge heart. Her gentle caress is lovingly kind and sometimes her eyes glow - they exude beauty. I have spent some of the most beautiful moments in my life with her. She supported me through one of the most difficult moments in life last year.
My future ?
I'm learning to live here and now, take life as it is, no grand plans. I do not know what is coming, I just know that life is fragile and extremely precious. I know that at one point you can be a king, and a beggar in the next one. I know people who are close should be valued, show them affection and spend some time with them. I know that once in a while it is good to stop wherever you are and just let the sun shine on your face. I know that man is to deal with the emotions and the mental world or else his life will be empty and unfulfilled .
I would love to give you some wise advice, but from my own experience I know that I alone didn't listen,until some moment / turning point that allowed me to understand the full meaning of words and appreciate an advice. The only thing I can say for sure is, be honest, listen to your inner voice, love yourself and others, and be prepared for changes. Everything else is in the stars.